


After

by soymilklatte



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Amnesia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-08 14:12:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12866211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soymilklatte/pseuds/soymilklatte
Summary: When the TARDIS leaves Bad Wolf Bay for the final time she takes some of Tentoo's memories with her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> { from a prompt about Tentoo having amnesia after being left on bad Wolf Bay sent to @doctorroseprompts and tagging @legendslikestardust too because I think they had a remember/memory/amnesia prompt quite a while back (if not, apologies and please ignore this) – Nonny, I am pretty sure that this is not at all what you wanted and for that, I am so sorry. It's just that this was the way the fic wanted to go. Also, this feels like more of a series interconnected scenes rather than a full on fic but I still think it works. I like it anyway. Not sure how anyone else will feel about it.}

It is almost funny, when Rose stops to think about it, how little time is actually needed for absolutely everything to fall apart.

It begins here. After, “ _That's me, when we first met_.” After, “ _He needs you, that's very me_.” After Donna's unasked for (and unwanted) addition of, “ _Don't you see what he's trying to give you?_ ” After Rose grabbed him, her human Doctor, and finally, _finally_ , gave in and let herself have what she had been dreaming about since, “ _Did I mention it also travels in time?_ ”

After the TARDIS vanished, forever this time, no really, when they were otherwise occupied.

After, after, after.

Rose Tyler can plot her entire life in a series of afters. After her dad died. After Jimmy. After the Bad Wolf. After the Doctor. After Bad Wolf Bay, part two. Sometimes she will allow herself to imagine what it feels like to live in the present, thinks it might be nice but the idea never lingers long enough to take root and so it remains only an idle thought and before long she is off chasing what is sure to become her next after.

Rose understood when the TARDIS dematerialized on Bad Wolf Bay for the final time that she and the now part human Doctor would be starting over. She just didn't realize exactly what that would entail.

It happened quickly, although none of them, not even the Doctor, actually grasped the severity of the situation until the next morning. Jackie had contacted Pete to arrange a way back to London and then they had gone to dinner. They had all been subdued and their exhaustion was overwhelming so when the Doctor called Jackie by the wrong name Rose didn't think anything of it. That's the kind of thing that happens to everyone. Perfectly normal, nothing to see here.

After dinner they went to their room where they gratefully collapsed on the bed barely having the energy to take off their coats and kick off their shoes. They slept for fourteen hours. Rose, still half asleep, reached across the bed for the Doctor and abruptly sat up in a panic finding him missing. She brushed her hair off her face and tried to control her heart as she spotted him standing by the window.

“Doctor? You okay?”

He jumped a bit in surprise, “Oh, good. You're awake. This question is probably rude given the way I woke up wrapped around you this morning but who are you?”

Rose blinked, “What?”

“Your name? I'm sorry to say I don't know what it is.”

“You don't know who I am?”

“Sorry. Should I? Well, I suppose I should given that I woke up in bed with you but I can't seem to remember it.”

“Is this a Time Lord thing or is this one of your jokes that don't make any sense and that I don't really understand?”

“No, I don't think so. Also, I'm not exactly a Time Lord. I used to be but now the closest I can guess, just from taking stock of myself, you understand, as I have no way of running tests, is that I am a human Time Lord biological metacrisis. Really, very interesting. I've read about them of course but I always thought they were a myth.” He paused and looked down at himself, as though he was double checking his initial findings, “Apparently they are not a myth and I have no idea how I became one.”

Rose was still staring at him, “Um, right. What's the last thing you remember?”

The Doctor tilted his head, considering, “Romana. I remember getting the call from Romana.”

Rose shook her head, “Yeah, I don't know who that is.”

“Well, no. I suppose I wouldn't have mentioned her given that I still don't know who you are. Don't think I've forgotten that.”

“Rose. My name is Rose Tyler and I'm not a stranger. We used to travel together.”

The Doctor nods, “Well, that would explain how you're taking this so well and how you know I'm a Time Lord,” he pauses for a moment, “Or I was a Time Lord, I suppose I should say. I know I've forgotten some things. There are too many gaps in my memory and when I looked in the mirror earlier, I saw I have a new face that I don't remember ever seeing before. Also, this is a different universe and I no longer have a TARDIS.”

She laughs without humour, “Guess I shouldn't feel too bad then. If you can't even remember your own face don't know why you would remember mine.” She stops for a minute, thinking through what he just said. “Wait. How do you know about the universe and the TARDIS?”

“Easy peasy. I am still part Time Lord, you know, and I can feel that my connection to the TARDIS is gone. Which means she must still be in the original universe. As for knowing that this is an alternate universe, I was looking out the window and saw two zeppelins go past. That made it rather obvious.”

She nods in agreement. The zeppelins do kind of give it away after all. Before they can say anything else there is a knock at the door.

“Rose? Doctor? You two up yet?”

Rose throws off the covers and opens the door, “Hi, mum.”

“Oh, sweetheart. Just wanted to tell you that your dad said the zeppelin should be here in a hour so we need to get ready to leave.”

“Okay. We'll meet you in the lobby in a bit.” She closed the door and leaned her head against it.

“Are you all right?”

She turned, “I don't know. I mean, I knew things were going to be different for us and we'd have to find how we fit again but I didn't expect...,” she trailed off.

“You didn't expect me to lose my memories of you.”

She shook her head but didn't say anything.

“You know this isn't the first time I've lost my memory.”

She looked up then, “Oh?”

“My eighth body was quite prone to memory loss. That's the body I expected to see in the mirror this morning, by the way. You wouldn't happen to know what regeneration this face belongs to would you?”

“No, not exactly but we can probably work it out.”

“Should we go meet your mum? That is your mum, isn't she? I know we had dinner with her last night but I can't seem to remember her name.”

“Jackie. Her name is Jackie and yes, we should get our stuff and go meet her.”

An hour and a half later and they are sitting next to each other on the zeppelin back to London when the Doctor turns to Rose, “Will you tell me about us?”

Rose blinked, “Um...I'm not, I mean, where did you want me to start? We're kind of a long story. Anything specific?”

“How did we meet?”

She curls up in her seat and tells him a story about living plastic and a typical London shop and an even more typical London shop girl. She tells him about Mickey and the Nestene Consciousness and anti-plastic. About getting the bronze and swinging on a chain. She tells him about saying no when he first asked her to travel, with Mickey clinging to her pathetically, and how she knew the moment the words left her mouth that she had made the biggest mistake of her life.

Rose tells him of her overwhelming relief when only seconds later he came back and asked again. She tells him how she ran to him, to the universe, and never looked back. Never regretted a single moment.

She tells him how he saved her.

“It sounds more like you saved me,” he says, quietly.

Rose shrugs, “I think we saved each other. It's the way its always been with us.”

They are quiet for a minute before Rose says, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Earlier you mentioned someone named Romana. Who was she?”

“Romana is a Time Lady and the president of Gallifrey. I suppose she is also something of a friend. I've told you about Gallifrey, right?”

“Um...not exactly. Just some offhand things here and there.”

“Well, there was a war. The Time War. I had been avoiding it. Running. I refused to fight. But Romana finally convinced me that I needed to come back. That she needed my help.”

“So you went back.”

“Yes. Well, I say yes but that's around the time that things start getting fuzzy in my head. I remember thinking that I need to go back, that I can always run away again but then...,” he stops for minute and Rose watched as his eyes closed and he rubbed his forehead. “There is nothing,” he continued. “I can't find anything after that. The next truly clear memory that I have is waking up this morning with you next to me.”

Rose's eyes are wide as she takes this in and she realizes that her mouth is open and she closes it with an audible click. He doesn't remember the Time War. She is going to have to be the one to tell him. Suddenly she feels like she's going to be sick and she hopes he won't ask right now. Hopes he'll ask something else. Hopes he'll go to sleep.

They're quiet for such a long time that she nearly does fall asleep. She's instantly alert though when she feels the Doctor shift beside her.

“Do you know what caused the metacrisis? How it happened? I've been trying to imagine how I regenerated into a separate body but there are so many variables, too many possibilities. I need to narrow it down.”

Rose turns and meets his eyes, “I don't know the exact specifics. I wasn't there when it happened.” She tells him what she does know which admittedly isn't very much. “From what I understand, you had your severed hand in a container under the TARDIS console.”

He looked at her like he was about to interrupt but she continued, answering his unasked question, “No, I don't know why. Not even really sure how you got your hand back. I was there when your hand was cut off and you grew another one but honestly the whole thing has always been kind of creepy and weird and I'd really prefer to not think about it too much.”

She watches him as she tells him what she does know. Part of her is hoping that the more blanks she can fill in, the more details she can offer, then maybe the rest of his memory will take care of itself. 

There are stories she would rather not tell. Memories she would prefer to not have to relive. Rose does not want to have to be the one to tell him about the Time War. About being the last Time Lord. She hates that that responsibility might fall on her shoulders. She is also terrified of what his reaction to that information might be.

Mostly, she is afraid that something she says will make him run. Rose doesn't know if she has the energy to chase after him anymore. To find her way back to him once again. She is tired of feeling like the responsibility of holding them together is her job whilst he reaps the benefits and does none of the work. She knows how bitter that is but this is not what she signed up for and it is not what she was promised on that beach yesterday. 

Was it really just yesterday? 

Just this once she hopes he will stay. Hopes that he is willing to work with her in trying to hold them together because if he isn't, well, she doesn't want to think about having to say goodbye to him when they finally have a real chance of being together.

She is beginning to wonder if hope is something that is not meant for her to keep, if it is some fickle, fleeting thing that enjoys teasing her before being whisked away, something that will always leave her alone and heart-broken. Right now hope feels like it is a luxury that is beyond even the Vitex heiress' reach but Rose has always been stubborn and she isn't willing to let go of it. Not yet.

Eventually they both fall asleep in the middle of some truly terrible animated film about what pets do when their owners are gone for the day and before they know it one of Pete's staff wakes them to say that they'll be landing in London in about an hour and would they like anything before the crew needs to prepare. After the crew member leaves them, Rose turns to the Doctor.

“I'm not sure how you want to handle London.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don't know where you want to stay, where you want to live. Do you want to stay at my family's estate? It's huge. You could probably have your own wing. Do you want to stay in my flat? Do you want your own place? I don't know how to do any of this. Didn't plan for any of this. Don't know what's best or easiest.”

The Doctor looks at her, “What was your original plan?”

Rose blinks, “My first plan, my original plan was to get back to our original universe, find you, and go back to living and travelling on the TARDIS.”

“Then the metacrisis happened,” he added, quietly.

“Yeah. When you, Time Lord you, brought us back to this universe and we were still on the beach, before you lost your memories, I thought you'd come back to my flat and we'd live together and get to know each other again. Or get used to each other again. Catch up on everything we had missed. I don't know sounds so stupid now but somehow go back to being us. That kind of thing. I hadn't really thought about it that far ahead.” She shakes her head, muttering under her breath, “Can't believe I am still so stupid.”

“And now you don't want that?”

Rose looks up in surprise, “Do you?”

He shrugged, “Technically, we do need to get to know each other all over again. Perhaps a bit more in-depth than you had thought and more than I must have thought too when I still had my memory but the process is the same.”

Rose brushes imaginary dust off the armrest between them, trying to work up the courage to give voice to the question that has been running through her mind. “Did you know this could happen? Losing your memory? Did you know?”

The Doctor is quiet for a beat too long and Rose is certain that he isn't going to answer, “I must have suspected,” he finally offers. “You mentioned my companion, Donna, I think you said was her name. She was human and her memories would have needed to be completely erased, every single memory she had of me, otherwise her mind would have burned and she would be dead.”

Rose feels her stomach twist as she tastes bile in the back of her mouth. “Donna's gone, then?”

“Yes and no. She is simply back to being whoever she was before she met me. It's as though that time in her life just didn't happen. It's not the ideal way to say goodbye and certainly nothing that I ever would have wanted but if it meant forgetting me or death, well, there's really only one option.”

Rose doesn't know what to say. She is angry on Donna's behalf and she wants to cry for everything the Doctor in the other universe has lost and she is still so furious at him for what he chose to do regarding this new Doctor and herself and, really, it's all just too much.

The Doctor, either not noticing her turmoil or choosing to ignore it, continues, “I must have known or at least strongly suspected that there was a very good chance that once my connection with the TARDIS was fully severed, that my memory could quite possibly go with it. Honestly, I'm surprised that I remember as much as I do. It feels as though it is merely the last few years that I've lost because I can still remember centuries of my life. I can even remember my childhood and academy days. Of course, this is all supposition, you understand. There is also a chance that my memory loss is due to something else entirely.”

Rose snorts a laugh entirely devoid of humour, “Yeah, fantastic. You can remember everything up until the war and then everything that came after is a blank.” She stops and takes a deep breath, “I'm sorry. I'm not angry with you. Really, I'm not. I know it's not your fault. I do. It's just...This isn't fair and I know how childish it is to say that but it isn't fair.”

“I know and I am sorry, Rose. Even if it isn't exactly my fault.”

Together they decide that it would be best if they both went back to Rose's flat. She knows her mum wants them at the mansion but neither she or the Doctor are up to being unofficially debriefed by Pete or dealing with Jackie's well-intentioned yet completely overbearing mothering. She hires a car to take them home and on the way she tells him a bit about Torchwood and her work there.

They get take away from the Asian fusion place not too far from Rose's flat and they sit on the living room floor as they eat and Rose tells him more about Torchwood. More in-depth than she could in the car.

“We might be able to get some help or answers there. Torchwood does have the most advanced earth technology and access to tons of research and data and alien tech.”

“I won't lie to you and say that I like the sound of Torchwood but I must agree that it does seem like the best place to go for answers.”

“You can probably run most of the tests yourself. Or I can help you if you need it. No one will force you to work with anyone you don't want to. We can even keep the results between us if it makes you feel better.”

The Doctor had been intently staring at her as she spoke, “You don't fully trust them either. You work for them but you're wary.”

She took a steadying breath, “I know that Pete, my dad, says that this Torchwood is different and really, after working with them for the past few years, I know they are...”

“And yet?”

“And yet, I don't think I will ever be able to let my guard down. Torchwood, in our original universe, was responsible for everything. For me being trapped here, for helping to escalate the war between the Daleks and the Cybermen, for us losing each other. I will never be able to completely trust them. No matter how much time passes.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose continue trying to find their way.

The next month is spent at Torchwood. Rose and the Doctor have completely taken over one of the labs and are running every single test the Doctor finds that he thinks might be even remotely helpful and even a few that he knows won't be, just to be thorough. As Rose expected the Doctor does not allow anyone else to work with him and so the job is left to the two of them. Rose doesn't really mind as it gives them time to talk and get to know each other.

This new Doctor is so very different from the ones she knew that she needs this time to suss out if this is simply the Doctor without the weight of the Time War on his shoulders or if some of this difference is due to the bit of Donna in him. Maybe it's neither, maybe it's both, but there is no denying that this man who is so much the same is also so completely different at the same time that it is hard for Rose to wrap her head around it.

Their days begin to follow a schedule, albeit a haphazard one, but a schedule nonetheless. They wake ridiculously early in the morning and usually get to Torchwood before anyone else is even around. Grab tea and breakfast from the canteen before disappearing into their lab to work until hunger and dropping blood sugar levels drives them out to raid the vending machines before locking themselves back in with their work.

They talk and trade stories, share memories. The Doctor speaks of companions she has never heard of, Charley and Lucie, Fitz, Tegan, Victoria and Jamie, Ace, he tells her of Barbara and Ian, he finally tells her about Susan. He tells her about the times where he has had to work with his younger selves. He tells her about the Master. The Doctor weaves tales of adventures that she could not imagine. She laughs at some stories and her heart aches or races over others but she sees how much this man is still so very much the Doctor, her Doctor.

In exchange Rose offers tales of their adventures. Stories of impossible planets and a beast pretending to be the devil, of a game show obsessed world, gas mask zombies and ' _Are you my mummy?_ ,' of watching the earth burn and Slitheen murdering their way through the British government and countless, fascinating aliens and cultures. She tells him of his first Christmas with the face he has now and how they had both been so terribly unsure if they would still accept each other. She tells him about Queen Victoria and the werewolf and the creation of Torchwood. She tells him about meeting Sarah Jane. She tells him about ancient Rome and being turned into a statue. Rose tells him about Reinette and clockwork droids and 17th century France on a spaceship.

She does not mention, ' _How long are you going to stay with me?_ ' She does not mention, ' _Forever_.'

Eventually she comes to tell him about the dimension cannon and how it came to be after a gut-wrenching, tearful goodbye complete with a confession of love and an unfinished sentence on a cold, desolate beach.

“You must have loved me very much,” he says, quietly.

Rose nods, a bit stiffly, with the beginning of tears in her eyes, “I still do. Don't really remember how it felt to not love you.”

The Doctor reaches over and takes her hand, “I wonder what I could have done to inspire that kind of love. That degree of loyalty. So many of our stories sound like they ended in heartache and failed expectations for you and yet I have no doubt that I loved you very much.”

“How do you know that? How can you be so sure?”

“The very fact that I am here with you now does more to prove that to me than anything else ever could. I chose to stay with you when I still had all of my memories. I would not have done that if I didn't want to build a life with you.”

Rose is terrified to ask but she needs to just the same, “And now? How do you feel about me now?”

The Doctor's smile is gentle when he replies, “I am not immune to you, Rose. Even if I wanted to lie to myself the reactions of this human body would not allow me to do so. There is something pulling me to you, drawing me ever closer to you. Please don't ever think that I don't feel anything for you.”

“What do I do with that? Where does that leave us?”

“I suppose I am asking you to wait for me. To be patient. Even though I know I have no right to do so. I am asking you to help me finish running these tests, to finish up the research. To give me a chance to sort things out in my own mind. Not forever, just until the ground has settled a bit. Until I am a bit closer to normal.”

“You need time,” she says and it is not a question.

“Yes,” the Doctor replies with a small smile, “I suppose I am asking you for some time.”

Together, they keep working. It doesn't matter what they do though as nothing seems to help. The endless tests and unlimited research and technology all prove no more useful then the Doctor's theorizing on the zeppelin back to London.

“I can't believe all that work was for nothing,” Rose says as they sit on her sofa watching some medical documentary about something or other and eating take away.

The Doctor shrugs even though Rose isn't looking at him, “It was a long shot but it did allow me to rule quite a number of things. That type of information is helpful in its own way.”

Rose turns to look at him then, “Do you think your memories will come back?”

“No, I don't.”

She blinks and feels like she can't catch her breath but somehow manages to whisper, “Oh.”

“I'm sorry,” the Doctor offers quietly. “I didn't mean to be so blunt. However, I now know that I am in perfect health and there is no reason for my memories to be missing. Unless it was done intentionally.”

“What? You mean someone erased your memories? Who? Why?”

“I suspect that this is the work of the TARDIS. I think she did it to protect me from my memories. I think she did it to give me distance from the Time War. I have to think that the Time War is the catalyst for my missing memories since the war itself and its immediate aftermath would most likely be the biggest and undoubtedly most traumatic parts of my past. I also think that since you became such an instrumental part of any recovery I may have had there was no way for you to be isolated in a way that would have removed the first hand memories of the war yet would have allowed me to keep you.”

Rose feels herself freeze, feels her muscles tighten and her spine straighten, as though someone has just poured ice water down her back. Knows that this is the moment she has been dreading since she woke up with a Doctor who had no memory of her. Knows that the moment for this conversation is here, knows there is no getting out of it this time.

She can feel him staring at her and she forces herself to take a deep breath and relax even though she feels like a cornered animal.

“What did I tell you about the war, Rose?” The Doctor's voice is soft, gentle, and she feels her heart break a little more.

She pushes her hair behind her ears and takes another deep breath, “Not that much, really. I mean, you never went into detail and I never asked for any. Maybe I should have I don't really know.”

The Doctor reaches out and touches her hand, “Just tell me what you do know. Please?”

“You said that, you told me that your planet was gone. That it burned. That there was a war and you lost. You said that you were the last of the Time Lords. You said that you were left travelling alone because there wasn't anyone else left,” Rose can't seem to raise her voice above a whisper but she knows he heard every word.

The Doctor has gone stone still. Rose isn't even certain if he is still breathing. She wants to reach out to him, hug him, hold his hand, anything but she cannot seem to make herself move. The moment passes and he is suddenly harsh, restless energy and he is up and pacing. Hands alternating between tugging his hair and palms pressing roughly against his eyes. 

Just as quickly as his frenetic energy started, it stops. His chest still heaving as though he has just run for miles and he is silent as he stares at her for a moment and his gaze, that heartbroken and desperate gaze, freezes her in place and steals her voice. She resists the urge to flinch, to turn away, to hide from his pain. Then he is turning away, grabbing his coat, and walking out the door.

It is only after the door closes that Rose feels as though she once again has control of her body. Part of her wants to go after him, make sure he's okay, but she doesn't think she has the energy to move so instead she takes a shaky breath and closes her eyes as she buries her face in her hands, surprised to feel moisture there. She didn't realize she was crying and wonders when she started.

Eventually she picks herself up, tosses the food, locks the door, and turns off the lights. She halfway to her bedroom before she decides to take a shower, hoping that the hot water will ease the chill that seems to have settled into her bones since the Doctor walked out.

She didn't mean to fall asleep but the next thing Rose is aware of is the sound of the front door opening. She breathes a sigh of relief as, ' _He's back. He came back_ ,' runs on a loop through her head.

She turns and watches her bedroom door when she hears his quiet footsteps in the hallway outside. Rose isn't at all surprised when her door opens a crack and she sees the guilt that crosses his face when he sees that she is awake. She offers a small, tremulous smile and pulls her duvet back a bit in a silent invitation and it only takes the Doctor a few seconds before he steps into her room.

He kicks off his trainers and pulls off his trousers before joining her. Rose shivers at the nighttime chill that is still clinging to his skin but she lets him wrap his arms around her and pull her closer.

“I'm sorry I left like that. I shouldn't have done that,” he whispers against her hair.

She nods slightly, breathing him in, accepting his apology, and cuddles closer to him in response.

It isn't long before they both fall asleep.

It is a few days later before Rose is feeling bold enough to bring up the night that the Doctor walked out. They are again in the living room. Rose is reading a report from Torchwood and the Doctor is reading a book about British history in this universe.

“Doctor?”

“Rose?”

“When you said that you think the TARDIS took your memories, do you still think that's what happened?”

He is quiet for a moment before saying, “Yes. Now that I know something about the Time War, I am even more sure of it.”

“You think she was protecting you.”

“Yes. I think she knew that hearing about the war rather than having to live with memories would make it easier to deal with. I can't really disagree with that. I can't deny that I am thankful that I don't have the memories of the things that I must have had to do. Perhaps that's cowardly but I have never claimed to be anything else.”

 

They have been living together as flatmates for a little over six months.

Rose is sitting on her bed sorting through some Torchwood documents and almost mindlessly scrolling through the database. She is not really looking for answers anymore, there simply aren't any. She has grudgingly come to accept that. The Doctor's theory about the TARDIS protecting him, giving him, giving them, a chance to start over is still the only thing about this entire situation that actually makes sense.

Mostly though she's just grateful that the Doctor hasn't shut her out. Not once throughout this entire ordeal has he pushed her away, has he even hinted that he is about to run. If anything, he seems to be trying to keep her as close as possible without crossing that invisible line from platonic to romantic.

Really, it is just like the old days – minus his memory of her and their life together, of course. 

She pushes her laptop and paperwork to the side as she lies back against her pillows and brings her hands up to rub her eyes as she focuses on her breathing. She takes a deep breath, even though things have settled into a routine, have become easier to deal with, everything is still so frustrating sometimes, even now. 

Rose still wonders, in her less generous moments, if the fully Time Lord Doctor knew this might happen or if he was so desperate to make his escape before his facade of ' _I'm fine with sacrificing my happiness and the free will of others for the greater good_ ,' cracked wide open and left him as exposed and vulnerable as they all were that final day on the beach.

She knows he didn't do this deliberately, knows that if this truly was done by the TARDIS, as they believe, that the ship may not have shared her plans with him at all, but Rose still wishes that there was a way that she could reach him. She doesn't blame him for running away but she still wants to slap him. Wants to shake him and say, “ _Why? Why don't you ever take a minute and think things through?_ ”

And this is getting her nowhere. She doesn't hate the Time Lord Doctor, still loves him as much as she ever did and she loves her human Doctor too, if she is being honest. Even if that is proving a bit more challenging at times then she is really comfortable with. 

It is hard, after all, to hold on to someone who doesn't truly know you and therefore doesn't know that they should be holding on to you just as tightly. Rose knows he's trying but there is still that distance there that they can't quite overcome. An invisible line that they are both to afraid of crossing because it might be too soon. There are times when she can't stop herself from wondering if this would still be an issue for them even if he still had all his memories.

The thing of it is, she knows he wants her, that he's attracted to her. The Doctor has admitted that much and even if he hadn't, she would still know. They still do all the Doctor and Rose ' _Stuff of Legend_ ' things they always did. They hold hands, hug for the most ridiculous reasons, tease and flirt, they run. 

Then there are the other times, the times when it is quiet in their flat and she will catch him looking at her in a way that steals her breath and makes her heart speed up. When she has nightmares and he wakes her and he holds on to her so tightly she isn't certain they will ever be able to separate again, knows she doesn't want to. 

The mornings, when he has fallen asleep in her bed, when the Doctor is still wrapped in a soft cocoon of sleepiness and he smiles at her and brushes her hair off her face, so infinitely gentle. She knows, in that quiet intimacy, that there is no one else in any universe that he would rather have beside him. 

She knows there is no one else she would rather have beside her.

It is those moments that she keeps, those moments that she holds close. In those moments Rose understands that he is as in love with her as she is with him. Now if only they knew what to do about it. 

Rose does not believe in soulmates or red strings that bind people together but she cannot deny that there is something that keeps the two of them coming back to each other and she has never been more thankful for that fact than she has been since the Doctor lost all his memories of her and still chose to stay.

The Doctor who had asked her to wait until things feel ' _normal_ ' again but she still isn't certain what that means and she doesn't think he knows either.

There is a loud clattering at the door that knocks her out of her thoughts. Sounds like the Doctor is struggling with the lock again and has probably dropped his keys. Then the door is opening and slamming shut and suddenly he is standing in her doorway, trying to catch his breath.

“Doctor? Is everything okay?”

He nods, quickly, stiffly, “Rose Tyler, will you have dinner with me?”

She blinks, “Of course. We have dinner together every night.”

He shakes his head, “No, I mean have dinner with me with all the expectations and promises that go along with it.”

“Do you mean a date?”

“Yes. Rose Tyler, will you go on a date with me?”

“I thought you wanted to take it slow. You said you wanted to wait until things felt normal again.”

The Doctor walks further into the room and sits at the foot of her bed. “I did but I realized today that I don't want normal. Not my normal anyway. My normal is temporary companionship. Temporary friendships. Waiting for people to leave me behind as they go off to live the rest of their lives. I think that's what had me so confused.”

“What do you mean?”

“You're permanent. We are permanent. There is nothing about us that is temporary. I want you to be permanent. I want to wake up every morning and see you next to me. I want to reach for your hand and know that you'll always be there to hold mine. I don't remember our lives together before this and I probably won't ever get those memories back but the new ones that we've been making are enough for me to know that I want a new normal, I want to redefine my normal, and I want to do it with you.”

Rose feels as though she just ran for miles, her heart is pounding and her breathing feels shallow, “I want that too. I want it so much,” she manages to get out in an almost whisper.

The Doctor smiled, a real smile, one that she has missed more than she even realized, “Then I'll ask again, Rose Tyler, will you have dinner with me?”

She nods and laughs even as she feels tears on her face, “I would love to have dinner with you.”

“For the rest of our lives, maybe?” He asks, whilst wiping away her tears.

Rose thinks about the two of them being left behind on Bad Wolf Bay, she thinks about his memory loss, she thinks about how she is now the sole keeper of their history, their stories, she thinks about falling in love with him all over again.

She cannot deny that somewhere inside she is still that nineteen year old girl who is hopelessly and recklessly in love with a brilliant, impossible man, a young girl who is desperate to reaffirm her promise of _forever_ , but that young girl is tempered now by the woman Rose has become. 

The woman Rose is now, that woman who was hard won through heartache and pain and experience, understands that forever is no longer a promise she can make. She understands the weight of it now in a way she never could have before and knows that she does not have the will or desire or strength to carry it.

She thinks about how this new chapter with the Doctor is the beginning of another _after_. She thinks about how this is might just be her favourite after of all.

So in response she offers him the only thing she can, the truth. “For as long as I can,” she says and realizes just how much she means it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading and I hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> [ my tumblr](https://soymilklattes.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> [ my tumblr](https://soymilklattes.tumblr.com/)


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